Racism is the real pandemic

It is vile, and it is disgusting

We’ve tried the carrot.

Getting PE teachers to teach Religious Studies lessons about the Sikh faith. We made Chicken Tikka Masala the national dish, and we cheered on Mo Farah as he won the Marathon for Team GB.

But for the last remnants of the vile stain of racism on our nation, we must forget about soap and water.

We will need bleach, and we will need a scour.

It’s time for some joined up thinking.

Anti-racism passports. Two lessons taken at least six weeks between each other on Great British Values of diversity, tolerance and acceptance. Mandatory Boosters every time a BIPOC athlete underperforms on television. Refuseniks not allowed into footie games (a fate worse than death), shops and hospitals.

At certain times of year, especially Christmas, racism circuit-breakers will be necessary to contain the spread of racist ideology. Baileys addled uncles are notorious for their distasteful views, and to flatten that curve, police officers will have to arrest families for spending time with each other.

The rule of six, for white men. Look, we all know what you are up to, and no, we aren’t impressed. Endless jabbering about Clarkson, then as the night wears on and premium lager loosens tongues, Enoch Powell. 

Now I know what you are thinking.

How could one man, one single man be so brave as to stand up against the overwhelming consensus, and write a think piece where I condemn racism as vile and disgusting, and beg the government to ‘take action’ against it?

I walk in the footsteps, on the shoulders, of giants of diversity. Mandela, Gandhi and Blair.

Goodness, it feels good to be on the right side of history.